Monday, August 18, 2008

About love, commitment, feelings, relationship, maturity e.t.c.

Love is not just a feeling, it comprises of it. Feelings aren’t the evidence of love. Love is an exercise of ones will—a decision you deliberately and consciously take based on knowledge and understanding to stick with the object of your love (a woman or man) no matter what happens; this decision will eventually open up a flood-gate of strong feelings.

Because of your commitment to someone, when feelings disappear momentarily, you can stay in there till the feelings return. So if someone tells you I don’t have feelings for you again, lets take a break, then he either doesn’t understand what love is or never loved you in the first place or probably thought he really loved you and mistook a fleeting passion for a strong deep undeniable love— one that should come with the strength to stick it out in moments of dryness of feelings.

There is something I always say, Love is the most used word but the scarcest of true experience; most people say I love you or think they love, but in actual fact what they mean by “I love you” is actually, “I love the way you make me feel”, so in other words if you stop making me feel this way, then I will stop being there for you—which is lack of commitment. Now think about it, If your ex has walked out of your life, and tells you he can’t be committed now, really though not deliberately, he causes you pain yet in your heart of heart you still love him. Now! That is true love, commitment no matter what, but sadly Men have a problem acting this way, they are usually “Wonderful Committed Beginners” but never can sustain, so they say I’m afraid of commitment; such men need to Grow up.

Feelings are fickle; they are like fire, if you don’t keep putting wood (fuel) it will go out. What is wood in this case? Doing for the other what he likes and not quarrelling too frequently.
If the feelings are not there or dies, it’s because you have made up your mind not to be committed; you must tell yourself I may not feel like it now but I’ve made a commitment, so we are going to work this out, now my African queens this is very hard work and it takes being unselfishness in the relationship to achieve this. Then you’ll find the feelings will come back, so instead of a crisis breaking you up, it makes you stronger; you work out your issues and in so doing you understand each other better. Love now grows because you now understand your partners sensitivities, you are more like a team, you deal with issues together, not take off when you encounter challenges, BECAUSE YOU HAVE BOTH MADE A COMMITMENT TO STICK TO EACH OTHER, PERIOD!

Love takes a lot of perseverance and patience to grow and be sustained. So when you see couples in-love, understand it wasn’t always like that in the beginning they worked together through the challenges and storms and made it to the other side of a now enviable relationship. So really the key is finding som1 who loves you enough and who you believe in enough to weather the storm together and get to the other side of the storm, which is a Beautiful Enviable Relationship because—once again—of commitment.

Love is not just about feelings; it is actually, about a decision to be committed. It gives the strength to stick with that one person. Love mixed with maturity, which is actually a proper view point of what life or love is makes you have the ability to see the quality and heart of the one you love, beyond their physical appearance. Because even the bible says for this reason a MAN (not a boy) will leave (not a mama’s boy still hanging unto mummy’s apron)—these are two prerequisite for a good husband.

Boys not men chase you out of an initial excitement, but when you as the lady returns that feeling, they get scared because they aren’t ready for a lifelong commitment relationship. They want to keep humping around, living the single life or whatever their individual reasons may be. It means in the beginning he didn’t really think about what he was feeling or wanted before leading the woman on and this a marked trait of Immaturity— a real mature man should think before he jumps.

A relationship where each persons needs are not being met, will die. Also, a relationship where there is constant bickering and quarrelling will kill feelings and may eventually end the relationship, so avoid Quarrelling but by all wisdom please let your feelings be known and agree on the best way to resolve conflicts.

Commitment means I can no longer have space. My life is now shared with another. I’m now accountable to someone else and can’t really make decisions, especially ones that will seriously impact on the relationship e.t.c changing location.

ADVICE: Women, hold your excitements about a man till you’re sure about him, and then let go. (For the Immature man who hasn't grown up, i mean)

ADVICE: Women, if you use the behavior you should have during marriage on a relationship, you’d ruin things. If you act like you’re married to a man while in a relationship, he gets scared and runs away. To know how your partner wants to be loved, watch how he shows you love. (For the Immature man who hasn't grown up, i mean)

A good man will welcome a woman's sincere love, embrace her when she returns affection and holds onto her no matter what; even when the fear (that most men feel when they meet a potential) arises. We men all feel that fear to whatever degree, I did, even couple months to my wedding. One just has to hold on long enough, and let go of the fear of commitment.

So my African queens if a guy doesn’t want you—however he tells you, or makes you know he isn’t ready to commit to you—Let the guy go. He isn’t worth your time and it's most of the time HIS LOSS (which he usually realizes late). If he really wants you, he will come for you when he gets his act together and realizes the mistake he has made.

So say to yourself, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME. I’M BEAUTIFUL BY ALL STANDARDS, because what break-ups tend to do is mess up our self-esteem, but refuse to give in to that, get up, pick up the mistakes made, make corrections, move on, because there is someone out looking for you just the way you are.

Above all, Let GOD lead the way. A man without the fear of God in him isn't right for any woman; For he will surely hurt you.

By An Anonymous Ibo Guy (a great friend of nma - my adopted cali chicka friend..)

(Ladies he's married- ain't that something...)

side note
Where there is the Love of God, there is no fear. God is Love, so a man born of God, born of His Spirit has His likeness within him. He has the ability to Forbear, be Kind, forgive, shares the burden of others, thinks less of self but of others, regardless of how difficult it may appear. However, a man who displays none of this, is born of self not of God. Flee from such a man...

14 comments:

Allied said...

Where can one find men with this degree of understanding?

Cali you say?

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

@allied, they do exisit, I for one know of one. one thing I have learned is that only God can show the man how to mature and love the woman. So if a man is looking to you for his happiness, then, these are signs that his relationship with God is flawed. Seek for a man who puts God first before you. You'll find that men of such degree of understanding is out there, but there is still a process that needs to take place.

DiAmOnD hawk said...

preach it!!!

Jaycee said...

Thank you Father for allowing this guy to remind me of the most important things in relationships (I was blessed by this).

I think my best part was when he said, "A relationship where each person's needs are not being met, will die..." I loved that line and I know it is so true. If a man or woman does not reciprocate affection...after a while there will be questions and doubts...i.e. "What kind of woman/man have I been dating all this while?"

In my own words, It is good for both a man and woman to treat their other half the way they themselves would love to be treated...

My second best line, "Love is not just about feelings; it is actually, about a decision to be committed."

Lovely post...I thought it was you all along, till I got to the very end...lol.

Anonymous said...

nothing is hidden under the sun . I guess we are all enjoined to forgive. if a guy wants to go let him. be sure you are totally blameless before you heap blame though.
Have you been in a situation yourself when you found the guy unreasonable and decided you had to go?

its never easy the path that life takes us.

arab sayings. '' honest individuals live their lives without regret''

3. decisions positive and negative made in haste, will always lead to regret. these are open to interpretation.

The wound of words is worse than the wound of swords
4.Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.

A Kel called Wonder ...... said...

Confirms that no one is perfect. Marriage is made up of two imperfect people that come together as ONE. The oneness and commitment keeps you going.

If you have at the back of ur mind that no man is perfect, and yes i agree no human can be your everything, it takes the load and pressure of you and your man.

Marriage is indeed a beautiful thing, don't believe the negative stories you hear. People hardly mention the great and positive aspects i wonder why.

Anonymous said...

This is a very nice and insighting piece of work!
You have generally defined love in ideal terms, but do we live in an ideal world?
if I understand what you mean by ur definition of love, u are trying to say that once u love someone, that u should remain committed no matter what, I think that’s being to idealistic. Are u saying that if you love a man and he turns out to become a serial cheater, drinker or even a cult member that u will still continue ur relationship with the man? When you are aware that u are putting ur live at risk?
I don’t think so, I think that will be foolhardy. In all proper definitions of love that I have come across including ur extensive piece, love has never been defined as foolish.
I am a lady and happily married (thankfully), I have lady friends who have had horrible experiences from their spouse and only the grace of God saved them from apparent death had they not left the union.
Sometimes you can still leave your partner but still have love for him or her but circumstance necessitate that you abandon the relationship for certain reasons in everyone’s best interest.
Leaving a relationship that is not working sometimes may even be the best option if you truly love some one, cos if u discover that u cannot make your loved one happy or vice versa then, it’s advisable that you leave the relationship especially if you haven’t really tied the knot. but then tying the knot is not supposed to be an imprisonment, even the BIBLE has provision for annulling a union, confirming that God can also approve of some annulment.
I have a brother who almost got married to a lady, as usual they started with the usual I love you and I love you. We all wished them well, after the traditional wedding; we started noticing cracks in the relationship. I had to confront my brother and he opened up to me; he says that the lady is no longer the person he thought she was, he said that she is very stubborn, very argumentative, lazy and bla bla bla. For me those were things that could be worked on and I advised him to try and work it out with her. Instead situations turned for the worse; to the extent that they will always be quarrelling even in front both family members. The will be exchanging hot words, the quarrel 70% of the time they are together.
At this stage it was evident that their union is not working, fortunately the have not gone to the church; hence dissolving the union was a lot easier.
In such a case is not better that they go their separate ways rather than get into a marriage that will keep them miserable because the say the love each other?

Love is unconditional but to an extent. I will not remain in a relationship and die because of love. That is foolishness, even Romeo and Juliet is just a fiction!

BacktoNaija said...

"Commitment means I can no longer have space. My life is now shared with another." I think this is the clause that trips up a lot of folks.I know I struggle in this area. Great relationships don't just happen, they are worked at and the truth is that getting to a level of intimacy is not for the immature at all. Thanks to our brotha for the profound words and thanks dia for the post ;)

Anonymous said...

People are born with a desire to be loved and give love. It can be the most fulfilling feeling in the world. However, marrying simply because of love is not a good idea. Yes, it may sound very romantic. In fact, it is one of the main reasons people get married. Love alone is not a good reason to get married. Marriages succeed when there is a strong foundation of companionship built by the couple. A strong foundation for marriage includes compatibility, trust, and communication. Couples should ask themselves three questions to decide if marriage is right for them.


First, are we compatible? In a marriage, the definition of compatible slightly changes. It is more than liking the same activities, same foods, same movies and music, etc. Being compatible in a marriage is having the ability to adapt to changes. People constantly change from day to day and will continue to do so in marriages. Work, children, and in-laws are just some of the changes that occur in a marriage. The key is to be on the same page and know how to deal with your relationship when you are not.
Second, do you trust one another? Marriages without trust are marriages that end in divorce. Having your partner's trust is a must have in a relationship. If there is the slightest doubt in either of the partners' mind, then there is no trust. Relationships thrive on trust and cannot survive without it.
Third, is there communication? Lack of communication can destroy a relationship. Communication is very important in a marriage. Married people need to communicate all the time. Talking only when times get rough or not talking at all only hurts the relationship. The lack of communication is also a leading reason for divorces. Divorcees commonly complain that the other partner never listened or avoided conversations with them. Communication is vital to the relationship. If you never communicate, how will you know if you are compatible and if you trust one another?
If you and your partner are able to answer these questions honestly and to one another's satisfaction, marriage is a good idea for the two of you. Having compatibility, trust, and communication in your relationship will build the strong foundation of companionship you need for marriage. However, if one of these factors is not present, getting married is not a good idea. Marriage between two people should only occur when all factors are present.
It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or all of these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not take in the considerations of the other partner's feelings.
Love at first sight. Ah, what a feeling! You smile constantly, have butterflies in your tummy, and may feel impulsive. Impulsive enough to get married. Getting married based on love alone is the number one reason not to get married. Love at first sight can be a temporary feeling. The things you do like running off to get married while under its spell can have lasting negative effects. No foundation has been built to support the marriage. Therefore, the marriage has no backbone and will most likely end in divorce. Also, marrying from lust at first sight is a bad idea as well. Marriages based on sexual attraction do not survive.
No one wants to be lonely. Marrying someone simply to avoid being alone the rest of your life is wrong, not only for you but for your mate as well. People fear being alone and will jump into a marriage quickly to avoid it. Chances are you will still be lonely only now you will be lonely in a marriage. These types of marriages have no foundation of companionship and usually result in unhappiness leading to divorce.
Whether you are marrying as an act of rebellion or rebound, neither are a good idea. The acts are selfish. Getting married as a way to get even with someone, parents and/or ex-lover, only hurts the ones who love you and yourself. Rebelling into marriage can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Marrying someone while on the rebound is unfair to the other person. It is easier for someone on the rebound to fall in love because of the need to be loved. People on the rebound tend to marry the wrong person. They are in love with the idea of being in love and not the actual person. Rebound marriages can hurt the other partner who actually may be in love with the rebounded. The rebounded can also be hurt once they realize the mistake they have made.
You should never feel obligated or succumb to pressure to marry someone. These kinds of marriages usually result in divorce. Some couples marry when one of them feels obligated to stay in the relationship or feels too guilty to break it off. Marrying someone to please others is not a good idea. Giving in to pressure from family, friends, society, and/or your partner will only cause you unhappiness. These kinds of marriages are disappointing and commonly result in divorce.
Marrying to avoid being a single parent is never a good idea. While pregnancies out of wedlock are on the rise, so are divorces. Many believe that by getting married because of pregnancy they are doing the right thing. Yes, a child does deserve two parents in their life. However, if a divorce can be avoided then it should. Divorces can turn bitter and have lasting negative effects on children. A child can successfully have two loving parents in their life without the parents marrying.
Lastly, marrying for financial gain is wrong. Many men and women marry for financial gain to escape their current financial situations. This is perhaps the most selfish reason to marry someone. These marriages almost always result in divorce with hurt parties on both sides. Marrying for any of the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about commitment. A serious commitment between two people should never be taken lightly. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.

Anonymous said...

forget what people woill think and move on with life.

if a brotha says he wants to move on.. let him.

Comitment? who wants a reluctant love? who wants a man that has to work towards loving me?
what if he does not work at it when i need it most.

i certainly do not want a reluctant comitment.

Anonymous said...

i enjoyed the penultimate post

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

@annon 1 - blame or heaping blame has nothing to do with a man staying or leaving. I think the matured man or woman would understand their limitations, ask God where they went wrong, and what the next line of action is. Aportioning blame again refers again to an imature mind.

Unreasonable - again what do you mean by this. Every individual person in life is unreasonable to some extent, it takes the grace of God to bring all to light and show a way out. Now if unreasonable with regards to their dress sense, then I think thats a bit shallow or flags up a flaw. You have to be confident in yourself, and lead your spouse to the position or area you think as a couple you should be.

As per decisions made in haste, then why do it then. Are you a child to want others to understand how you feel, just because you use the arguement, the decision was made in haste, how old are you? I think when others life and reputation is at stake, then such a reason shoul never be offered. It makes the utter look foolish. Marriage is a life long commitement not an accessory, so if you choose to decide in haste, you should be asking God what He thinks, not let your sexual desires lead you. Again it shows the maturity of the man. And again in this case, very imature.

And finally, the wounds of words - words such as? Give examples. If for example you are fat with a wobly stomach, and every human being you've met tells you this, ridicules you, and tries to put you down every opportunity they get, then why blame your insecurity on your other half. Or bette still if workwise you are not where you feel you out to be, then is it her fault. Check this, have you weighed the wounds of the words others have uttered about you compared the one she has said. And more significantly, what words could wound more after you colate all that have been uttered by so called loved ones...

again, I feel these again are pretty shallow reasons. I feel that mentally one should be ready for commitment. A man/woman will face much more issues to deal with, and examples like these should never be part of them.

Everyone has a tendercy to make decisions in a haste, be unreasonable, and say things that would wound the other. Thats just life. It takes the grace of God and your relationship with Him to guide you through those stumbling blocks. The problem is are you willing. Today it might Eliza, I wonder what tomorrow it would be. I wish you the very best, and yes everything that was believed to be hidden will all unravel one day.

@anon 2, 3, 4 and 5 - thank you guys for your time for reading the post and making important contributions. Very well appreciated.

Kafo said...

wow
you defined it
and then dispelled any notions we might have about it

mercy
you should write a right book on love
and what it is not

Anonymous said...

Am going through a break up and came across your blog by mistake. I am glad I read this entry - its just what I needed to read (hear). Thanks.